This one confuses a lot of people. When a narcissist abuses you, their abuse is real. They do it intentionally. They lie to you, manipulate you, gaslight you, and cause harm purposely. They know what they’re doing, know the impact, know the consequences, yet continue treating you that way because it serves them. They do not care. They don’t love you. But when you react to their abuse, it’s a biologically correct response. You have been pushed and abused so badly that the worst reactions have now started coming out of you. This is not a “you” problem. Anybody in your place would have behaved the same way. That is a universal thing. Your reaction to abuse does not make you a narcissist. It’s a temporary thing—it’s a survival state, a combination of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, making it seem like you are turning into them. You’re not. There is a difference, and your intentions will tell you where it lies. You don’t abuse them like they abuse you. You give them a pushback with the hope of stopping them.
Behavior Number Five: Their Accusations vs. Your Real Accusations
When they accuse you of lying or doing things that you have not done, they gaslight you. This way, they avoid taking responsibility and become the nice person in the relationship or the victim. But when you accuse them, you’re not accusing them of something they have not done. You are telling your truth. They may say, “Oh, you want to destroy me, you want to accuse me, what’s wrong with you?” No. Your existence is the reality. When they accuse you, they want you to doubt yourself, question your actions and behaviors, and get confused. But when you accuse them, you want them to take responsibility for something they have done so that they can change. You’re not trying to shame, blame, humiliate, or make them feel like they are less of a human being—that’s what they do. Your intention is not to destroy them. You’re not sadistic by nature. Your accusations are not narcissistic. Just because behaviors look similar does not mean they have the same origin. You may do the same thing or say the same thing but with a different intention. That’s why I say context matters, the story matters. It’s not like, “Oh, the narcissist says the same thing and you say the same thing, does that mean I am the narcissist as well?” No. It doesn’t work like that. You may use the same words but in a different context with a different intention. Keep that in mind.
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