That is what I can remember about him. Why did I stop laughing? Eventually, I stopped laughing; I became less expressive in my emotions. And I recently realized that it’s really hard for me to smile because when I smile, it doesn’t look like a smile. In my head, I am smiling; it’s like a broad smile. But when I look at my pictures and even my videos, it’s a subtle smile, almost non-expressive. So, I thought, let me go in deep, and this is what came up. So, I thought, why not share it with you?
We become stoic, and that leads to social awkwardness. We don’t know if we’re allowed to smile, if we are allowed to laugh, if we’re allowed to show emotions, if we’re allowed to be the way we feel we should be if it is appropriate because of the messed-up situations we have dealt with as narcissistic abuse survivors. Upon further exploration, I also realized that it was not that my laughter was actually bad; it was that he was jealous of it because he could not experience it himself. He had to take it away from me. If a narcissist becomes jealous of what you have, they will first try to take it away from you. But because laughter cannot be taken, so eventually, what do they do? Obviously, they destroy it. That is their next move; that is step two, destroy. I won’t let you have it because I can’t have it. That is the predator’s mentality; that is how they function.
The same is applicable to this situation. When they see you laughing, they can’t stand the fact that they can’t experience what you’re experiencing. They can see it; it’s alluring, it can’t be stolen away. So, they will give you a thousand reasons to never laugh again, to create a negative association between your emotional expression and the punishment you could possibly get from them and other people.
Narcissists are extremely insecure individuals. Another explanation is that a narcissist is an extremely insecure individual. You already know that everything that happens in their environment turns into something that has to do with who they are. It automatically becomes a definition of what their worth is. But they don’t want you to know that; they personalize every single thing—the way you looked at them, the way you moved your body, your tonality, everything. When you laugh out loud, and they are there, they make it seem like you are criticizing them. They may not tell you, or they may not make it obvious, but that is how it gets filtered; that is how it enters their reality. They make it about their shame, their insecurity. Your laughter is seen as an insult, more so if the narcissist feels or wants to believe they are the authority. They must be respected at all times; everybody must kneel before them; everybody should act like a servant; everybody should bow their heads; everybody should be silent. How dare you express your authentic emotions? How dare you open your mouth and laugh? You have disrespected them; now you will be punished. That is how it gets translated in a narcissist’s messed-up head.
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