I have spoken so many times with individuals who will say, “But it makes no sense that they would do this. Surely someone can talk sense into them. Why do they have to be this way?” For example, when the narcissist tries to turn other people against you, you think, “They’re not going to keep doing this forever, are they?” And the more you hold on to the idealism that that represents, and I don’t fault you for thinking in that idealistic direction, but the more you hold on to it to the extent that you cannot accept reality for what it is – these are jerks and they’re difficult people – then they wind up continuing to have power over you. And you’re at their behest with respect to how you’re going to feel because it all hinges on them responding well to you, which they won’t do. So the more you hope against hope that they can understand you, that’s another way that you give up your power.
Now, a fourth way that people can hand over their power is that there are many times when individuals who are in the narcissist’s presence feel like, “Well, the only way I can keep them off my back is just appease them. I’ll just kind of go along to get along, and maybe they’ll quit complaining quite so much.” For example, if they’re in a bad mood, then I have to walk on eggshells, or if I manage a procedure this way, I know they’re going to get mad, so I’ll change my approach and do it in ways that’ll keep them off my back. Or I know that they’re the gatekeeper to someone else that I want to be engaged with, and so I’ll say nice things to them so that they won’t block me. I mean, there are all sorts of different ways that you appease. And over time, the narcissist figures out that that’s exactly what you’re doing. It’s like, once again, it’s like, “This is good. I like this.” And you’re not going to get them out of their dark place by appeasing them. All you’re going to do is let them know, “Keep up what you’re doing because I’ll just fall in line if I have to.” That’s not a good way to go.
How Do Narcissists Spy On You? Why They Do It?
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