There is a deep sense of loneliness in that house because everybody is performing. You’re not your true self, and you’re not connecting with anybody else. There are narcissists, scapegoats, black sheep in the same family, and golden children—it’s a mess; it’s a narcissistic cult. So, whenever you interact with them, you put on a mask behind which you hide your authentic self. You may smile and look happy, but deep down, you feel lonely. That is how I felt all the time. Loneliness was my only and constant companion, and I would always try my best to run to my room because it never felt safe with the family. They would either belittle, shame, humiliate, or abuse me physically, emotionally, and psychologically. There was no true heart-to-heart communication; there was always judgment. In such an environment, how can you flourish, especially as a child? How can you thrive? How can you feel safe to connect? You don’t, and that’s why you feel isolated.
One more thing: people don’t visit you. There are no guests coming in; nobody wants to be around those narcissistic people because, yes, they pretend to be a good family, but close ones know who they really are. That’s what happened with us. Nobody used to visit us because my father was seen as a monster. He would get really angry and show passive aggression when someone would visit us or stay for a night or so. Eventually, people stopped visiting, and that led to more loneliness.
4. Living in Constant Terror
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