If you’ve ever been the scapegoat, you know what I’m talking about. You know this moment well: that moment when a narcissistic parent suddenly speaks highly of you in front of others, and you’re just standing there wondering what the hell happened. You’re dumbfounded. You wonder if they have changed, if maybe they have had a change of heart, or if you can maintain that change through changing your behavior. But the second you are alone again, the mask drops as always. The smile disappears, the warmth evaporates, and the cold, cruel parent returns.
It is psychological whiplash. It is manipulation. It is another way they gaslight their children into thinking, “Maybe, maybe they’re not so bad.” But deep down, the child knows the truth, and that is a very painful one to carry. One of the most sinister ways narcissists use children is as a shield to cover up their cruelty. This is super important: a narcissist may be a monster behind closed doors, but in public, they will cradle a baby in their arms, ruffle their son’s hair, or walk hand-in-hand with their daughter just to show the world they are a loving parent. If anyone dares to suggest otherwise, they will scoff, “Do I look like a bad parent to you?”
And there lies the trick. Unfortunately, people judge based on appearances, not reality. This is why so many people defend narcissistic parents and narcissistic leaders. “But they love their kids,” that’s what they say. “I’ve seen it with my own eyes.” What they do not see is the neglect, the silent treatment, the mind games, and the way the child walks on eggshells. They do not see the moments when that same loving parent is rolling their eyes as their child cries, mocking them for being sensitive, or screaming at them over a small mistake.
A narcissistic parent can post endless pictures and videos with their child, write poetic captions about how much they adore them, and fool the world into believing they’re kind, generous, and nurturing. Meanwhile, that same child is left starving for love, unseen, unheard, and invalidated. When that child grows up and starts speaking the truth, like I did, the narcissist will use those very same images to discredit them. “How can you say I was a bad parent? Look at these pictures, these photos, look at the vacations we took, look at the gifts I gave you. How dare you accuse me of being anything but loving?” My mother used memories and experiences instead.
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