When you see a narcissistic parent in public, you may be forced to think, “Wow, they must really adore their child.” That parent will hold the child close, shower them with affection, and make a grand display of parental devotion. They may smile warmly, kiss their child’s forehead, and act like the perfect doting parent. If someone compliments them on how sweet they are with their child, their chest swells with pride because that is the outcome. That compliment is not about the child; it’s always about them. They want to be seen as the loving mother, the dedicated father, the selfless provider.
You see, narcissists do not have children because they want to love, nurture, or raise them into healthy, whole individuals. No, they have children because they need accessories. There, I said it. A child serves as an extension of their image, a prop to make them look like a good person, a tool to extract admiration from others. It’s not about the child’s needs or individuality—never. It’s about how the child can be used to serve the narcissist’s ego behind closed doors.
That same child becomes nothing more than an inconvenience. The narcissistic parent may not want to be bothered with bedtime stories because they do not care about the child’s feelings, and certainly, they do not have the patience for real parenting if the child needs attention when no one is around to witness it. The narcissist becomes irritated. They dismiss the child, ignore them, or worse, lash out. They’ll say, “Go away, stop being so annoying,” or “Why are you always bothering me?” This is what that poor child hears more than “I love you” or “I am proud of you.”
And this is where the grand illusion comes in. The narcissistic parent is not concerned with the child’s emotional well-being; they’re all about the image. They’re concerned with how they look as a parent. If they are at a family gathering, they’ll hoist the child up in their arms, tickle them, and make a show of their so-called affection. If they are in front of an audience, they’ll be the first to take credit for the child’s accomplishments. “That’s my son!” they’ll say, grinning from ear to ear, as if they are the reason for the child’s success. They’re saying, “I created this.”
But the moment that child stumbles, struggles, or fails in some way, the same parent will distance themselves. If no praise is to be gained, they don’t care. This plays out differently depending on whether the child is the golden child or the scapegoat.
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