Brenda’s situation is, unfortunately, all too common. Whether your narcissist is a conniving coworker, a manipulative mother, an entitled child, or a childish spouse, you’ve likely reached a point where you finally have a name for what you’ve been experiencing. You finally understand that their behavior is as destructive as you sensed it was, and you’re done beating yourself up. You are ready to call it out—the lies, the inconsistencies, the exaggerations, the gaslighting, the half-truths, and the manipulations. You’re done holding it in, and you think to yourself, “If there’s any hope for them to change, if there’s any hope to keep my sanity, I’ve got to say something.”
Maybe you just want to point out the contradictions in their stories so you can both finally get on the same page. Maybe they consistently say one thing one day but the complete opposite the next. Maybe your husband blames you because he has to work so hard to support you, yet despite how many times you’ve begged him to retire, he won’t—because he loves what he does. So, you ask, “Which is it? Do you love what you do, or are you doing this because I’m making you?”
The truth is, the answer is whatever suits the moment—whatever makes them look like the hero and the victim. Neither is true, and both are true. Since they can’t take responsibility for themselves, they will default to blaming you when they feel out of control and taking credit when things are going well.
My friend, you’re never going to win that challenge. Why? Because you are trying to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. You keep beating yourself up for not being able to say it better, when the truth is, life with a narcissist is like building a house on shifting sand.
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