Number three: stay calm and hold your ground when they try to upset you. Narcissists require supply, positive or negative, from others to feel complete. They want you to feel anger, distress, or contrition so that they can feel in control of you and your emotions. It does not matter what kind of reaction you give them—positive or negative, if you are lashing out, crying, apologizing, being happy with them, giving them attention, buying them gifts, taking them out, doing this, that, and the other—it does not matter. As long as you react, they win, and that is what you have to work on. Managing your emotions around a narcissist is extremely important because your reaction is what drives them. As long as they can get a reaction from you, they will keep getting supply from you and keep abusing and torturing you. The best way to drive them crazy is to be in control of your emotions and not react. How you can do that is you have to become intentional in how you experience your emotions and feelings. You have to deliberately practice observing your emotions and not acting on impulses. As long as you can do that, you will have the upper hand in the game, and the narcissist will not be able to make you tiptoe around them or decide what you should feel. Keep it as neutral as possible.
The blame lies with them
Number four: the blame lies with them. Narcissists will try to blame you for everything, but you are not at fault. Nothing you could ever do would justify their destructive behavior. In other words, you did not cause this yourself. On the surface level, you might think, “Well, I should have seen it coming,” or “I should have left earlier,” or “I should have believed them when they showed their darkest side,” but it’s not easy when you are in the trenches of it. When you are in a fog, you do not have the clarity, the resources, or the space to think about these things. Most importantly, you do not have the knowledge to differentiate between truth and untruth. You are able to say these things because now you are capable of doing things. You have already done something, and now you say you should have done that. But when it’s happening to you, you do not know what is going on. As human beings, we try to hold on to hope, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, especially when it comes to people we love the most. For example, as parents, we want to hold on to this facade, to this fantasy about this person so that we do not have to face the pain. All in all, I would say you tried your best. You did what you could at that moment. So, blaming yourself now is not a fruitful thing to do. It is not something that would help you in your recovery because they chose to insult, lie, and deceive you to gain power. When you begin to doubt yourself, remind yourself that you are not to blame. You have to be extremely compassionate towards yourself. They projected every flaw they had onto you. The way they see you is who they are. As explained earlier, tell yourself things like “I tried everything I could to make our relationship amazing. I can’t control the behavior of others, and I am not who they define me as.”
Set strong boundaries and stick to them
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