Let’s keep it moving to number seven: they get away with more in private. For a narcissist, private spaces are like lawless territories where they make the rules. Lindseay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, explains that narcissists push boundaries where they know they won’t face resistance. In public, they know they can’t scream at a waiter or belittle a coworker without consequences. But at home, they see their partner, kids, or family as their emotional playground, where they can yell, manipulate, guilt-trip, and control without worrying about social backlash. No audience, no accountability, and no reason to hold back. This is why their behavior can seem like night and day: one moment they’re the most patient, kind, and generous person in a social setting, and the next they’re cruel and dismissive in private. Psychologist Dr. Susan Forward, in Toxic Parents, calls this boundary testing. Narcissists see how much they can get away with, gradually pushing limits until their victim is trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and fear. To them, home isn’t a place of love and safety; it’s a space where they have total control, and control is all they care about.
Here comes number eight: they enjoy the power of deception. Dr. Perah Neiroof, a clinical psychologist, explains that for narcissists, deception isn’t just a means to an end; it’s a game they like to win. Convincing the world they’re a saint while keeping their victims trapped in a cycle of fear and self-doubt makes them feel invincible. The more confused and isolated their victims become, the more powerful the narcissist feels. Because to them, control isn’t just about getting what they want; it’s about proving they’re smarter, craftier, and always one step ahead. This is why their mask never slips in public. They want people to believe they’re kind, generous, or even self-sacrificing. It makes their private cruelty even more satisfying. In his book Dangerous Personalities, former FBI profiler Joe Navarro describes this as duper delight—the pleasure manipulators get from knowing they’re fooling everyone. And that’s what keeps a narcissist going. They love the idea that their victim could try to expose them, only to be met with disbelief and gaslighting. The narcissist smirks, knowing they’ve won yet again.
Moving on to number nine: they fear exposure but think they’re untouchable. Dr. Craig Malcyn, author of Rethinking Narcissism, explains that narcissists live in a constant push-pull between fear and grandiosity. They dread being unmasked but believe they’re too clever to be caught. That’s why they invest so much energy into crafting their flawless public image. They know that if people ever saw the real them, it could ruin everything. But their arrogance convinces them they’re always ten steps ahead, so they continue their abuse behind closed doors, fully believing no one will ever see through their act. This is why they double down on gaslighting. When someone tries to call them out, they don’t just deny accusations; they make you look crazy for even suggesting it. In his book The Gift of Fear, security expert Gavin DeBecker notes that manipulators rely on doubt and disbelief to keep their victims silent. Narcissists use this to their advantage, planting just enough doubt in people’s minds so that if their victim ever speaks up, the world sides with them instead. And just like that, their biggest fear—exposure—gets buried under the weight of their arrogance.
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