Let’s unpack this slowly. A normal person doing a good deed doesn’t need you to know about it. If it comes up, it comes up; if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Their goodness is not a performance; it is woven into who they are and how they live. But for a covert narcissist, goodness is a currency, a brand, a silent resume they must keep updating and broadcasting, but in a way that never looks obvious.
So how do they do it? They do it through a special structure in their language: comparison disguised as casual storytelling. They won’t just come out and say, “I am better than them.” No, that would blow their cover. Instead, they will start by mentioning someone else—someone they subtly judge as inferior: a friend, a neighbor, a colleague, a family member. They won’t bash them outright; remember, the key is stealth. They might say something like, “You know, it’s so hard for some people to stay patient with their kids. I mean, look at my sister; she’s really doing her best. But I guess not everyone finds it easy to sit and do homework with their children every night.” There will be a pause, a soft smile, maybe a sigh. “Honestly, I have just always felt it’s really important to prioritize that time, no matter how tired I am. Even after a long day, I can’t just sleep knowing I didn’t give my kids that support.”
Bam! They just told you their sister is not doing enough. They are selfless and perfect; they are the standard of goodness, and they did not say anything bad about anyone. So if you call them out, of course, you will look crazy. That is the genius of covert virtue signaling.
Let me give you a personal example to illustrate this. I have witnessed this repeatedly in my own life—specifically with my covert narcissistic mother. She had a special talent for what I call “most monologues.” It would start with a conversation that seemed really innocent, like casually talking about her own sister and how she was raising her children. There were no insults, no drama—just an innocent, seemingly loving observation. “She’s so sweet, you know, but I just wonder if maybe she is a little too lenient. I mean, at that age, I used to be so strict about sleep times. It was always lights out by 8:30, no exceptions. It’s tough, but I think it really builds discipline in the long run.”
And boom! In a two-sentence story, she would slightly downgrade her sister without being rude, highlight her own superior parenting, present herself as both loving and wise, and bypass any criticism because she wasn’t attacking anyone. That is what covert virtue signaling looks like in action.
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