This issue of abandonment can also explain hoovering. You might wonder, if narcissists fear abandonment, why would they leave a relationship and then try to pull you back? Interestingly, narcissists often leave relationships as a way to get ahead of their fear of abandonment, controlling the narrative and the fear itself. It’s like knowing when the scary part of a movie is coming, rather than being surprised by it. After attempting to get ahead of abandonment by leaving, they might try to pull the other person back in a primitive attempt to resolve this fear. This disorganized approach—“go away, no, come back, no, go away, no, come back”—is characteristic of narcissistic relationships and leads to the hoovering phase, where the cycle begins anew.
The fear of abandonment that many narcissists experience is often related to the fear of losing validation, narcissistic supply, and control. This triggers shame around being rejected. Understanding this might make the roller coaster of a relationship with a narcissist more comprehensible.
So, what’s the antidote to abandonment? How do any of us keep our abandonment fears at bay? The answer lies in feeling secure and safe in the world, which comes from therapy and the hard work of self-compassion, self-reflection, and self-awareness. Emotions are not inherently scary, but for people with narcissistic personalities, this work is incredibly difficult. If you didn’t have secure attachments early in life, you may have done the hard psychological work as an adult to feel safer in the world. However, for a narcissistic individual, this is highly unlikely. They will always feel a sense of threat.
What Narcissists Do When You Ignore Them
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