Narcissistic Relationship Cycle
When we observe the usual narcissistic relationship cycle—idealization, devaluation, discarding, and hoovering—it may seem that the narcissist is fully in control. It feels like the narcissistic person is the one pulling the strings, engaging in love bombing, seduction, or displaying pseudo-empathy. However, once they have you, they start losing interest, leading to your devaluation. This contempt arises from their inability to form genuine intimacy. For a narcissistic person, the chase is typically the most engaging part of a relationship. Often, they are the ones who decide to leave or at least threaten to do so.
But sometimes—and far more often than you might think—people leave narcissists. In fact, as awareness of narcissism and narcissistic abuse grows, more people are recognizing that these patterns are unlikely to change, leading them to leave such relationships. When you leave a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist does not like it. It means they have lost control of the narrative and, frankly, lost control in general. They will lose validation, the conveniences you brought to their life, and power. Their responses to being left can range from rage to mockery (“You really think you’re going to make it without me?”) to seeming indifference.
However, what many people forget is that those with narcissistic or narcissistic personality styles are very vulnerable to feelings of abandonment. We often associate abandonment with more fragile or despairing personality patterns or mental health issues, mistakenly thinking that the narcissist is too cold for that. But abandonment can be experienced even when someone merely goes away on a trip, to work, or just home for a short time. This moment of separation triggers something quite primal in narcissistic individuals. It’s not true that narcissists are immune to abandonment; in fact, they do not regulate it well due to a variety of nuanced psychological issues.
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