This is the trap of the buffer. You have spent years jumping in to save the situation so the children do not suffer or so the family’s reputation stays intact. To use this against them, you must perform a counter move that feels unnatural to your very soul. You must weaponize their own neglectful, irresponsible nature against them. You have to stop being the buffer. When the narcissist demands to be in charge of a weekend or a specific responsibility just to spite you or for image, let them have it. Do not pack the bags they forget. Do not call the teacher to explain why the homework wasn’t done. I know this is incredibly painful because it means watching your children or your affairs face a level of messiness you have spent years preventing. But you must document every single failure: every missed meal, every forgotten appointment, every instance where their private reality of incompetence manifests.
By refusing to save them, you are allowing the world to see the truth. You are building a mountain of evidence that can be used in court or in life to show exactly who they are when they are not being propped up by your labor. The goal here is to make the act of holding that shield so exhausting and so damaging to their public image that they eventually drop it. They want the status of being a parent or a provider, but they hate the work. When you stop doing the work for them, the law of control collapses because they can no longer hide behind your goodness, can they?
Now, the second law is even more calculated: the Law of Controlled Chaos. From the mind of the narcissist, the logic is: I will intentionally set fire to your peace. I will break your car, ruin your dinner, or start a global-level fight just 10 minutes before your family meeting or event. Then, when you are shaking, crying, or desperate, I will be the only one who understands you. I will create the storm specifically so I can sell you the umbrella. I need you to believe that the world is a chaotic place and that I am your only shelter, even as I hide the matches in my pocket.
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