In the immediate aftermath of being exposed, a normal person would reflect, perhaps feel embarrassed, and even attempt to make amends. A narcissist, on the other hand, shifts into full-scale damage control. They become consumed not with how their actions affected others, but with how their reputation has been affected. In their mind, the biggest tragedy of the situation isn’t the pain that they’ve caused; it’s the fact that someone had the audacity to uncover their deception.
So what happens next when a narcissist gets exposed? You might think they will apologize, express how sorry they are, or maybe even cry, but you would be wrong. They immediately go into a rapid, almost instinctual response to regain control of the narrative. Nothing is more important to them at this moment than getting full control over the narrative—essentially rewriting the truth about what they were just exposed for doing. Even when they’ve been caught red-handed, they will refuse to accept their role as a guilty party and will instead begin rewriting history. This is when the gaslighting starts and where the real manipulation begins.
A narcissist cannot and will not be given the role of perpetrator. In their mind, that isn’t an option because it shatters the illusion they have worked so hard to maintain. So when caught, they immediately seek to cast themselves into one of three roles, or some combination of all three. First, they may try to sell you on the illusion that they are the actual hero of the story. Suddenly, the situation wasn’t about their selfish, deceitful, or abusive actions; it was about their bravery, sacrifice, or strength. They’ll spin the situation so that whatever they did was actually for the greater good or necessary for some noble reason. They might say things like, “I only did what I had to do,” “You have no idea the pressure I’m under,” or “If I hadn’t made that choice, things could have been so much worse for everyone.” They might also say, “People don’t understand the burden I carry.
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