So, whatever goes wrong, it cannot be their fault. And even if they seem like they’re taking responsibility for something, usually what they’ll take responsibility for is something small or adjacent to what’s really going on. Narcissists notoriously do not take responsibility for their bad behavior, and I have learned from experience that they’re also really, really good at justifying their bad behavior. So instead of taking responsibility, instead of saying, ‘Yes, I shouldn’t have done that,’ they might say something like, ‘I did that because of this,’ and to some people, it can even come across as a really good explanation. Somebody who doesn’t have the whole story might hear the justification because they’re really good at justifying things. Somebody might hear that justification and be on that narcissist’s side because, well, it can’t be their fault; they’re totally justified in doing the bad things they did. But when you’ve been around a narcissist long enough, this gets old really fast, and you might start to notice that you get irritated even when you see them doing this with other people because you know how satisfying it would be if this person ever just took responsibility for anything.
The third lie that all narcissists tell is ‘It will get better.’
And unfortunately, if you’ve been there, and I’m going to guess you have, you know where this ends. And with a narcissist, it never gets better; it only gets worse. If they have devalued you, if they have discarded you, if they have used you as a punching bag, it’s going to be so much easier for them to do it in the future, and they will. But even before it gets to that point, you may notice some variation of this in what we call ‘future-faking.’ So, this is when a narcissist will promise you everything that you want. So let’s say this is a romantic relationship, and you want to get married, you want to have kids; that’s going to be what the narcissist promises to you, that this is what we’re working towards and we are so close to it. It’s always going to be a carrot that they’re going to dangle in front of you, that you’re not going to want to walk away because you’re just so close to getting everything you’ve wanted, even though things are bad. They’re going to get better, except they’re not. This can happen with a narcissistic boss too, who can dangle a promotion in front of you or a raise. Like I said, these are lies that all narcissists tell, and they may tell them in different ways, but it’s all the same lie.
Unfortunately, it kind of works unless you’ve encountered somebody like this before, and then you know that somebody who’s really honest doesn’t need to tell you how honest they are. But as people, we like to give other people the benefit of the doubt, and if somebody tells you they’re really honest, you want to believe them. It’s not until you get much deeper into the relationship that you realize how untrue this one really is. Even if the narcissist tries to avoid outright lies, they’re always going to have secrets. Narcissists always need supply. When you have a lot to hide, it’s difficult not to lie; you need to lie to keep those secrets, to keep those skeletons in the closet. Even when they aren’t outright lying to you, they might be omitting large chunks of information that would be really helpful for you to know.
I strongly recommend reading this book.
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