Test 2: The Self-Growth Test
Number two is the self-growth test—not their self-growth, but your self-growth. This one is painful but necessary. This test happens when you decide to get better. Perhaps you join a gym, go back to school, start a small business, or go to therapy. You are doing something for yourself, shining a little brighter. In a healthy relationship, your partner is your cheerleader. If you win, they win. They are happy to see you fly. However, the narcissist will try to clip your wings.
Watch what happens right before your big exam, job interview, or first day at the gym. They will pick a fight or create a crisis out of thin air. They will accuse you of being selfish, saying, “You think you’re better than me now.” They fail this test because of pure, deep envy. Imagine two crabs in a bucket: if one crab tries to climb out, the other pulls it back down. That is the narcissist—they need you to stay down. If you are insecure and dependent on them, they feel big; but if you grow stronger and more confident, they feel small. They cannot handle you having a life outside of them; your growth threatens their control.
They want you to be a side character in their movie. Side characters do not get their own plot lines, do they? Side characters do not become heroes. So, they will sabotage you, make you feel guilty for spending an hour on yourself, mock your efforts, and try to make you quit.
Test 3: The Impulse Test
Number three is the impulse test. A narcissist is essentially an adult toddler. They want what they want, and they want it right now. To pass this test, you just have to observe them when they have an urge—be it for food, sex, a new gadget, or attention. Watch what happens when they have to wait. They cannot do it; they have zero ability for delayed gratification. If they are hungry, they snap at everyone. If they want sex and you say, “Not right now,” they pout or get aggressive. If they want to buy something, they jump at it immediately, even if it ruins the budget.
They fail this test because they are addicts. They are addicted to supply—anything that gives them a hit of dopamine. Denying them that hit is like telling a junkie they cannot have their fix. They start shaking, get irritable, and become mean. They will cheat, steal, lie, or manipulate just to scratch that itch. They cannot say no to themselves. A healthy adult can say, “I really want this, but I should wait.” A narcissist says, “I want this, so I deserve it.” This lack of impulse control destroys families and bank accounts. But to them, the only thing that matters is the feeling in the present moment. They sacrifice the future for the present every single time.
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