What’s happening when he’s with a new person is a show, a production, an event—something different from what he had with you because he has to convince everyone, including you and himself, that this is amazing until it’s not. He hasn’t changed; he just reverts back, and the cycle continues.
When you’re inside this situation, looking from the inside out, the perspective gets really confused.
When we talk about reframing and looking at the story you’re telling yourself, we have to get very clear on what’s actually real. If you don’t, you’ll start to believe a reality that’s fake and false. Trying to free yourself mentally and emotionally can be taxing because you’re comparing yourself to the other person, judging yourself, and sometimes beating yourself up.
Sometimes when people do this, they bring in doubt, worry, fear, obligation, guilt, and feelings of worthlessness. Consider for a moment that you absolutely love going to the beach. It’s one of your favorite places; you love having vacations there, walking on the sand, feeling the sunlight on your face. But in the relationship you were in, he said he hated the beach. He complained during the few times you went together, making it awful, so you didn’t want to go back with him.
Then you see him with the new partner, and they’re at the beach. This triggers feelings of worthlessness. “Now he loves going to the beach? Why didn’t he love it with me? What was wrong with me?” You think it’s you.
Pause for a second. It has nothing to do with you. A narcissist will shift and adjust what they like based on the person they’re with. When he’s with her, and she likes going to the beach, he might need to leverage that to connect with her.
You might not realize that he could be doing the same things with her that he did with you, but you’re only seeing it from one perspective. Let’s say the next woman actually hates the beach. From your perspective, you want to go to the beach; from her perspective, she wants to be in a cozy cabin in the woods.
A lot of times, a narcissist will pivot to control people in different ways. The problem is when you think he’s constant or the same as he was in your relationship. He’s not. He morphs, shifts, and adjusts. He constructs and builds a new mask for the next person, one with different desires, likes, and ideologies. It might have some of the same phrases or love bombing tactics, but the ideas and preferences often shift to control the next person.
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