Narcissists are not caring people. They are selfish, prideful, manipulative, and unempathetic. So, why does it sometimes seem that they go out of their way to be kind or generous? What is in it for them? Well, just remember that nothing is ever as it seems with a narcissist. Being kind or generous is something any type of narcissist can do whenever it benefits them. Like every other strategic word or action they take, it is all a means to an end.
Today, I want to discuss some of the main reasons why a narcissist might appear to be good to certain people, or why they seem generous or helpful and even as if they are giving of themselves to others. I know this can be confusing for some, especially those who are closest to the narcissist. But the truth is that the closer you are to a narcissist, the less of a priority you become. The more you love a narcissist or the more control they have over you, the more negativity and toxicity they reserve for you.
I covered this issue more in a video where I talked about why the covert narcissist, in particular, treats outsiders better. So, if you are in a relationship where your partner or parent, etc., is giving everyone else the most while you only get the dregs, and you are being emotionally abused or neglected, that can be a major red flag that you are dealing with a covert narcissist. But today, I am going to focus on the motives behind a narcissist being nice or helpful. I have four main reasons that make it worthwhile for them.
One of the first reasons why narcissists help people is for attention or recognition. They love being the center of attention. Some make it more obvious than others, but they live to be worshipped and adored. They want to be seen, heard, and put on a pedestal. So, whatever charity work they commit to, just knowing there is a chance to be showered with compliments, praise, a promotion, or a medal is enough to make it worthwhile. It boosts their ego and makes them feel special. They do not care about who they are helping; the narcissist is just busy thinking about how it benefits them.
The second reason why narcissists help people is to gain their trust. When a narcissist wants more access to your life, they can pretend to be the sweetest, most considerate person you ever meet. They will be there when you call and are open to doing whatever favors you require. They want you to see them as someone reliable and trustworthy. The narcissist will work patiently and consistently until they get what they want, whether that be access to your resources, secrets, network, or something else. This is a form of love-bombing that can make the narcissist seem empathetic and considerate, but they are not. Their acts of kindness have a hidden agenda that usually becomes clear only when it is too late. That is why it is important to remember that if someone seems too good to be true, they probably are. There are ways to test this person’s sincerity. One major test I discussed in a video is about setting boundaries—specifically, a special type of boundary—to see how they respond. Narcissists hate boundaries. So, if you want to know if you are dealing with a narcissist, boundaries are a sure way to find out if that person is right for you.
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