The narcissist also remembers your empathy. You felt deeply. You noticed shifts quickly. You understood emotional storms before words were even spoken. That empathy made you a safe harbor and also made you easier to manipulate. The new partner may not offer that same depth of emotional care, or may keep more distance. The narcissist feels less adored, less buffered, less protected. This is when a specific thought starts forming: “I shouldn’t have treated that person like that. I shouldn’t have played those games.” But even now, this isn’t holy regret; it’s practical regret. The narcissist doesn’t mourn your pain; they mourn a loss of comfort, control, stability, and the ease you brought to their life. And once that realization hardens, a question arises: “Is there any way to get this person back?”
Seven, the strategic return. When the narcissist decides life was better with you, the next move isn’t spiritual; it’s strategic. The goal is simple: Can I still access this person as a source of supply? This is what people often call the Hoover or the strategic return. The narcissist doesn’t come back with a humble heart; they come back with a plan. It usually starts small—a late-night text, “Thinking about you,” a like or comment on an old post, a casual check-in: “Hey, how have you been?” These low-effort actions are tests. If you respond, the narcissist reads that as the door still open. If the door seems cracked, the narcissist turns up the emotional volume. The messages get more nostalgic: “Remember that trip we took? That song came on and I thought of you.” This is designed to stir your memories of the good times while muting the memories of the pain.
If that isn’t enough, the narcissist may shift into remorse: “I’ve done a lot of thinking. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I know I hurt you, but I’ve changed.” It sounds like repentance, but it’s usually performance. True change requires deep self-examination, accountability, and sustained effort. The narcissist is not interested in that level of inner work; they are interested in results. Will the speech give me access again? It’s important to understand this: the narcissist only attempts to return when they believe you’re still emotionally reachable from a distance. The narcissist watches: Are you still posting about heartbreak? Do you look stuck? Do you still mention the past? If you look like you’re still emotionally bleeding, the narcissist sees opportunity. You are vulnerable; therefore, you are exploitable. The return is never about your healing; it’s about the narcissist’s comfort.
But there’s one thing the narcissist doesn’t expect: sometimes when a narcissist finally tries to knock on that old door, the version of you who used to answer isn’t there anymore.
continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!