They’ll give you just enough validation to make your nervous system crave it like it’s oxygen; then they’ll begin to ration it, withhold it, weaponize it. You won’t know where they end and you begin, and that’s the point. Once you’re hooked on the version of them they manufactured, they can start showing you who they really are, and you’ll stay, hoping to bring that dream version back.
Next, if an abuser were honest with you, they would say, “If I told you the truth, I’d admit that your confidence is a threat to my control, so I’m going to chip away at it quietly. At first, a backhanded compliment here, a raised eyebrow there. I’ll make you second-guess your instincts, your choices, and your worth.” Why, you ask? Because a strong, self-assured version of you would see through them and leave. But if they can dismantle your self-trust piece by piece, they can replace it with dependence on them. Soon, you’ll come to them for approval before making any decisions. You’ll start to question whether your memories are accurate and whether your reactions are reasonable. That’s when they’ll know they’ve succeeded—when your inner voice sounds more like theirs than yours. By then, you won’t even realize it was strategic; this is all part of their plan, and you have unknowingly played right along, not understanding their true intentions.
Next, if an abuser were honest, they would tell you that they won’t just love you; they’ll study you. They’ll listen intently when you tell them about your childhood wounds, your insecurities, your fears. They’ll nod with empathy, maybe even hold you while you cry. But make no mistake, they are collecting data. Every vulnerability you reveal is a future weapon they will turn against you. That thing you said you were never good enough at—they’ll use it to shame you. That secret pain you thought was safe with them—they’ll twist it to control you. You see, they don’t want intimacy; they want ammunition. When the day comes that you try to stand up for yourself, they’ll know exactly which button to press to make you fold.
Next, the abuser would tell you that when they punish you, they won’t leave marks anyone else can see; that would be too obvious. Plus, they’re not interested in being exposed for who they truly are, nor in being held accountable. They prefer the precision of psychological abuse. They’ll use silence like a scalpel, withholding affection until you’re desperate to earn it back. They’ll twist your words, turning your feelings against you, and make you believe that you’re the problem. In public, they’ll play the charming partner—attentive, reasonable, and even admirable—but behind closed doors, they are a different person that only you have to experience. They’ll make sure you’re always off-balance, always apologizing, always trying harder. And when you cry or break down, they’ll call you dramatic, unstable, and too sensitive. No one will see the damage they do, but you will feel it in your bones.
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!
