They also do not feel genuine guilt or remorse for the pain they cause. They only experience frustration when their actions no longer yield their desired results. They do not feel bad for the horrible ways they treat others. They have no internal moral compass that keeps their behavior honorable like we do, nor do they experience any type of internal need to hold themselves accountable. They do not care about fairness or honesty unless it benefits them personally. If they perceive a personal advantage in being fair or appearing reasonable, they will play that part, but it is always a performance and only if it benefits them personally. It never comes from an authentic principle that they live by.
For a narcissist, every interaction is a transaction, and their ultimate goal is always winning. Nothing in the world is more important to a narcissist than winning. I don’t care what the specific circumstances are. Winning might mean gaining control over a relationship, maintaining an illusion of superiority, ensuring they remain unaccountable for their actions, or destroying another person’s life and reputation if they feel threatened by that person. Nothing is more important to these people than winning in every situation they encounter.
Survivors need to understand that trying to reason with a narcissist is an exercise in futility. It is pointless and a complete waste of time because their worldview is rooted in manipulation and exploitation and is solely based on self-interest. Engaging with a narcissist using logic, fairness, or moral reasoning is futile. Essentially, if you go into an encounter with a narcissist expecting them to respond with empathy, it would be like expecting a predator to reconsider its hunt because its prey is suffering. It simply doesn’t align with their nature.
Appealing to their sense of fairness is useless; they see fairness as a tool to exploit, not a principle to uphold. Trying to make them understand your pain is meaningless; your emotions are an inconvenience, not something they feel responsible for. If you hope they will acknowledge their wrongdoing, that is very unlikely. If admitting fault doesn’t serve their agenda, they will either deny, distort, or shift blame onto you every single time. This is why victims of narcissistic abuse often find themselves trapped in an endless cycle of arguments, justification, and emotional exhaustion. They keep hoping that if they just explain things in the right way, if they just make the narcissist see how much damage they’ve done, then maybe change will follow. But take it from me: that moment never comes, and it’s never going to come.
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