Now, it’s not all narcissistic people that have this birthday obsession. It’s almost a bimodal distribution. Some narcissistic people, and I would honestly say this is really focused on the malignant narcissists, don’t like their birthdays. Remember, it’s almost like a little too light-hearted for them, and they may react angrily if you do. Some of this may be related to not wanting to get older. Some of it may be that they don’t want to be reminded of something as ridiculous and emotional as a birthday. And if you try to play it off sweetly and try to warm their heart by baking them a cake, they will likely reject it contemptuously, and that can hurt. Sometimes people make this birthday mistake year over year.
If a narcissistic person tells you that they do not want you to say happy birthday or commemorate it, don’t. If they screw with you later asking you why you didn’t tell them happy birthday, you’re going to have to accept it—radically accept it—as the gaslighting that comes with the territory.
Birthdays really take the narcissistic relationship and put it under the microscope. The gift is either not right, too much, or too little. Any party you put together is either not right, too much, or too little. If you say it, you either didn’t say happy birthday with the right tone, or you were too enthusiastic. Let other people do the heavy lifting and send their texted and social media birthday wishes. Be prepared that it is a day where you won’t get it right whether you remember it or not.
I can’t tell you how many people will say, “I’m going to get it right. I’m going to bake them the perfect cake, and I’m going to get them all these little perfect gifts, and I’m going to do it just right.” And every year, every year, it goes wrong on the narcissistic person’s birthday. And a lot of them will come up with these sort of sad-sack stories about how, “Oh, it was my childhood, and not enough people remembered my birthday.” And I can get that. But the piece that’s never going to be okay is lashing out angrily at everyone around them. The narcissist just goes at people because they’re not all getting on the “let’s help you work it through” bandwagon on their birthday or any other day. So, it’s a very, very fraught space. It’s something you can’t win at.
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