Here is the darkest part of being the bigger person: you can only suppress your reality for so long. You can only swallow so much poison before you get sick. Eventually, the pressure builds up. You hold it in for months or years, taking the insults, the smirk, the gaslighting, the manipulation, and the triangulation. You stay calm and loyal, and then one day, over something minor—maybe they leave a dish in the sink or make a tiny snide comment—you explode. You scream, cry, maybe throw something; you finally let it all out. And what does that narcissist do? Do they say, “Wow, I pushed them too far”? No, they calmly pull out their phone and start recording. They smile and say, “Look at you. You’re crazy. You’re unhinged. You need help. I’m the victim here.” Because you tried to contain it all and forgot that you are a human being, they weaponized that as well. They pushed you until you couldn’t take it anymore, and when it came out, it looked ugly—or should I say, they made it look ugly.
You know what happens next? They use that moment of reaction against you for the rest of your life. They will show your friends, family, and maybe even the court. “See, I told you she was unstable. I told you he had anger issues.” Your attempt to take the high road led you directly off a cliff.
So, if being the bigger person is a trap, and fighting them on their level is a trap, what are you supposed to do? You have to stop trying to be the fixer and start being the boundaried person. I’m not just talking about boundaries with them; of course, they are a part of this whole picture, but also the boundaries with yourself. Understand that being the bigger person focuses on them. It focuses on managing their emotions, controlling the atmosphere, and trying to influence their behavior by being a good example. You keep hoping they will learn. They never do. They exploit you, your nature, and the solutions you offer.
Being a boundaried person focuses more on you. It focuses on your safety, reality, and self-respect. It doesn’t aim to teach them a lesson. It acknowledges the fact that they are adults and can change their behavior if they want to. When you are boundaried, you stop absorbing their dysfunction. You become a mirror, not a sponge. If they start screaming at you, what happens? The bigger person sits there and takes it to avoid a scene. The boundaried person says, “I will not be spoken to like this,” and walks out of the house. They never come back.
If they start gaslighting you and twisting your reality, the bigger person tries to explain and justify, using logic to make them understand. The boundaried person says, “I know what happened. I choose to believe my reality. I’m not debating this with you,” and ends the conversation. If they give you the silent treatment, the bigger person bakes them a cake and apologizes just to get them to speak again. The boundaried person, on the other hand, enjoys the silence. They go out with friends, live their life, and show the narcissist that their silence is not a punishment; it is a vacation.
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