The offer crosses into your time, your space, or your responsibilities but is framed as kindness, so you’re not supposed to question it. That’s how the boundary gets bypassed. Then they position you as the one who has the problem. You might hear things like, “You look exhausted,” or “You seem really overwhelmed lately,” or “I know how stressed you get.” It sounds caring, but little by little, you’re framed as the one who’s struggling or missing something or not managing as well as you should. Your role is set: they’ve got it handled, and you’re the problem.
Finally, what’s yours becomes theirs. They pick up the kids but then want to keep them longer. They might offer to make dinner, but now it’s hard to get them to leave. They occupy your space, take over, and decide how things are going to be done. It’s disorienting because they’re taking more and more of your time and attention while positioning it as help you need.
The helpful takeover hooks you because you are human and not a psychopath. Most people respond to kindness with reciprocity. You’re socially wired to care and want to give back to anyone who helps you. Narcissists know this and count on it. They’re aware that most people will allow more access once they’ve been cared for, which is precisely the time, attention, and energy they’re trying to extract.
Once you see that pattern, here’s what’s actually happening underneath it: they build their identity around a three-part story: I’m above you; you need help; and what’s yours should be mine. This is a lie. They’re not above you; they’re using you to get their needs met. You don’t need their help; no one needs help badly enough to pay the price a narcissist wants to extract. And what’s yours should never become theirs, no matter how much they’ve helped you. Real help comes from care and a genuine wish for your good, not from entitlement. They make you feel responsible for their needs. They know that when you feel bad, you’ll let them cross your boundaries, granting them more access to your time, attention, and resources.
Clue #2
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