This brings me to the spell of chemical addiction: intermittent reinforcement. You may have heard of this. This is why you feel physically sick when you don’t hear from them. You think you miss them, but the truth is that your body is actually going through withdrawal. Narcissists use a manipulation tactic called intermittent reinforcement, the same psychology used in slot machines. If you pull the lever and win every time, you get bored, right? If you pull it and never win, you leave. But if you win randomly and unpredictably, you become obsessed.
They gave you love bombing—the initial win—then pulled it away, which created loss. Then they gave you breadcrumbs of hope here and there. Your brain is now constantly scanning for that next win. You are not staying because you love them; you are staying because you are chasing the dopamine high of the good times. You are like a lab rat in their experiment, pressing the button repeatedly, hoping for a pellet of affection, which comes so sporadically.
The Illusion of Potential: Chasing a Dream
Next comes the spell of potential, the most dangerous part of the illusion. You’re not in a relationship with a narcissist; you have been in a relationship with their potential, which they are never going to manifest into reality. They promised you the house, the kids, the business, the dream of growing old together. And you know what happened next? They painted a vivid picture of a future so beautiful that you are willing to tolerate a miserable present just to get there. They dangled that future in front of you like a carrot on a stick. Every time you try to leave, they pull the carrot closer, saying, “I’ll change,” “Let’s book that trip,” or “Let’s go to therapy.” But notice something—the carrot never gets eaten. Their future never arrives. They are selling your dream without any intention of fulfilling it, just to buy your compliance today.
Stop dating their potential and look at the reality for what it is—not how you want it to be or how they make it seem.
The Monster Behind the Mask: Recognizing the True Self
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