So, a relationship with a narcissist is a lot like buying a house with a foundation problem. On the surface, everything looks solid, but the longer you stay, the shakier it becomes. In this article, I’m going to walk you through nine signs of covert narcissism that don’t really look narcissistic at all on the surface, so you can see the foundation problem for what it is before it all starts to crack beneath you.
Let’s start with the first sign because it’s one that usually flies under the radar, and by the time you recognize it, it’s already started to chip away at your sense of reality.
They downplay things that hurt you. Maybe you bring something up, and it’s something small, but you know it has stuck with you. Instead of owning it or hearing you out, they brush it off. They might say you’re being dramatic or, “That’s not what I meant.” Sometimes, you get the full-on gaslighting—”You’re not actually upset; you’re just trying to make me feel bad.” Somehow, through all of this, they become the authority on your feelings. I don’t know how that works, but somehow for them, it does. Through it all, it doesn’t sound angry; it sounds calm, like they’re just setting the record straight. The dangerous part is that you find yourself backpedaling. You may start explaining your tone or justifying your reaction, trying to prove that yes, you really were hurt, even if it seems like it wasn’t a big deal.
This is where the shift starts because now you’re not talking about what they did. Instead, there’s a group effort to manage how much pain you’re allowed to feel. You find yourself working overtime to sound reasonable so they don’t flip it back on you. In the moment, it seems easier to just let it go. But over time, you start feeling like you’re walking through a space that’s delicate—not because anything has shattered just yet, but because the damage keeps showing up in the same spot. Now you’re moving differently—not because you’re fragile, but because the relationship is. You’re watching your step, trying not to press too hard, speak too loudly, or definitely trying not to need too much. You’ve been here before, and the last time you spoke up, they turned it around on you.
That’s the crack in the foundation. It’s not the disagreement itself, but the way they rewrite it to make you feel like you’re the problem. The longer you stay, the more normal that starts to feel. Like maybe you are overreacting, or perhaps this is just what relationships feel like when you’re hard to love. But it’s not, and you’re not hard to love. They just made you feel that way. All of this is just a show, and it’s a quiet erosion of your self-worth.
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