Ironically, discarding someone we truly care about can be accompanied by obsession. Once they are gone, the mind spins: Why did I push them away? Why did I let them leave? But by then, the mechanisms of narcissism are in full force. We oscillate between longing and fear, desire and self-sabotage.
This is why so many discarded partners feel haunted, confused, and even blamed for the breakup. From the inside, it’s not about them failing—it’s about our inability to face intimacy without losing the illusion of control.
Emotional Overwhelm
Narcissists often experience emotions intensely, but we are terrible at regulating them. When someone loves us unconditionally, it can feel overwhelming. We crave admiration, but sustained, genuine affection is suffocating. It doesn’t give us what we want—validation without challenge. It demands a level of authenticity and emotional labor we are ill-equipped to provide.
Discarding is a way to restore equilibrium. By ending the connection, we temporarily relieve ourselves of the pressure, even though it often creates guilt or regret later—emotions we are not comfortable with, yet cannot entirely escape.
The Illusion of Independence
Another reason narcissists discard the people who love them is the fear of dependency—not theirs, but theirs being dependent on us. If someone loves us deeply, they might challenge us, question us, or have expectations. This can trigger a sense of entrapment.
To maintain the illusion of being independent, invincible, and self-sufficient, we push away the ones who most admire us. In a twisted way, the discard is an act of preserving our identity, even if it destroys someone else’s sense of security and attachment.
The Role of Control
Control is at the heart of narcissism. Loving someone too much threatens control, because they see us as we are, not as the carefully curated persona we present. When love isn’t easily manipulated, the narcissist loses leverage.
Discarding is often the ultimate act of control disguised as abandonment. We may leave to teach a lesson, assert dominance, or reestablish a sense of superiority. Oddly, the people we discard most often love us more fiercely than anyone else—so discarding them creates a dramatic impact, reaffirming the illusion of power.
Self-Reflection (Rarely, But It Happens)
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