I used to love the thrill of having someone completely devoted to me. Their admiration, loyalty, and unconditional affection fed a part of me that I couldn’t admit existed—an insatiable need for validation and control. For years, I could keep people hooked, bending their emotions like clay, careful to maintain the illusion that I was perfect, untouchable, adored.
But then, something strange happened: sometimes, I would discard the people who loved me the most. Not because I stopped caring, and not because they had done anything wrong—but because keeping them in my life became unbearable for reasons I didn’t even fully understand at the time. Now, I can look back and explain why this happens—and what it feels like from the inside.
The Hidden Trap of Love
From the outside, narcissists seem incapable of love, but that isn’t entirely true. We can love—but it’s conditional, fragile, and often tangled with our ego. When someone truly loves us, fully, without reservation, it can actually trigger fear.
Love is powerful. And for someone like me, who thrives on control and manipulation, unconditional love is dangerous. It exposes vulnerability. It creates a mirror that reflects not only our charm and intelligence but also our insecurities, weaknesses, and sometimes even the cruelty we’ve hidden.
The closer someone gets, the more impossible it becomes to maintain the illusion of perfection. Their love becomes a spotlight, and suddenly, I’m confronted with parts of myself I’m terrified to face.
Fear of Exposure
When a narcissist discards someone, it’s rarely about the other person. It’s about self-preservation. I remember feeling panic when someone who loved me deeply started asking questions I couldn’t dodge, noticing inconsistencies I had spent years perfecting, or expressing needs that I couldn’t or wouldn’t meet.
Love can demand authenticity. It asks for compromise, vulnerability, empathy—things a narcissist struggles to give. When we sense that being honest or present might cause us to “fail” in the eyes of someone who truly loves us, the easiest solution often seems to be: remove the threat. Discard. Walk away.
It’s not a conscious decision for many narcissists—it’s instinctual, almost reflexive. We protect the ego by removing the mirror that exposes our fragility.
The Paradox of Obsession
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