When you’re ready to distance yourself from a narcissist or end the relationship, that’s often when they suddenly change—or pretend to. They put on a different persona, showing you a kind and loving side. They may act like they’re willing to go to therapy, make grand promises, and swear to do whatever it takes to become a better person. This applies to any narcissist, whether they’re your partner, friend, or parent.
If a narcissist senses that you’re about to leave and that you’re their primary source of validation, they will do everything in their power to keep you. They may even suppress their usual urge to control or punish you, just long enough to regain their hold over you. Once they feel secure that you’re back under their influence, the cycle of abuse resumes.
The Narcissistic Cycle: Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard
Narcissistic relationships typically follow three stages:
- Idealization (Love Bombing): The narcissist creates an illusion, showering you with attention and affection. You fall for their charm and seemingly perfect behavior.
- Devaluation: Gradually, they begin withdrawing attention, criticizing you, and undermining your self-esteem.
- Discard: Finally, they abandon or emotionally detach from you, often leaving you confused and hurt.
The cycle repeats, trapping you in a pattern of hope, disappointment, and emotional manipulation.
Why They Can’t Let Go
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