FOG is an acronym that stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. It encompasses everything from abandonment to neglect. They instill a sense of obligation: “You are my child, this is what society and culture expect of you.” It does not matter how they treat you; they are your parents and you are obliged to serve them. That’s how it is put, especially in Asian cultures. You have to be there for them as they get old, even if they treated you terribly. Every other person will tell you, “They are your parents, you ought to forgive them.” They have been programmed to think the same way. It’s a part of the entire brainwashing. It’s a mega-cult that we have to break free from.
To make you feel obligated to serve them, they can heavily use religious gaslighting: “God says so, religion says so, culture says so.” You might spend the whole day explaining why you are not visiting them or why you are in no contact with them, giving examples, but the last thing they will say is, “Still, they are your parents.” This creates a massive guilt trip. If they die tomorrow and you do not visit, it’s okay. If you don’t attend the funeral, it’s okay. That might sound cruel to some, but that is okay. You need to understand the context. That obligation also goes hand in hand with guilt. Guilt tripping. They use guilt a lot. Especially covert narcissists. They have a mental list ready to guilt trip you.
Tell them you are trying to set a boundary or that you triggered their narcissistic ego, and they will start reading the list: “I did this for you, I sacrificed these many years for you, I sacrificed my youth for you, I spent money on your education, I did this, I did that.” You didn’t ask them to bring you here; you were not fighting a war up there and they saved you from something. No. They made the choice to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, and give birth to you. You didn’t ask for any of this. Whenever someone gets pregnant and decides to have a kid, it naturally means taking on responsibilities. But no, such a parent will groom you to take responsibility for things you had nothing to do with, for example, becoming their emotional thermometer, taking care of their emotions, being there always to ensure they are not left alone.
Number Four: They Turn You Into Their Manager, Therapist, or Fixer
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