There is a specific type of panic that sets in when an aging narcissist has to take their clothes off in the bedroom with you or anyone else. It is a panic of a fraud who knows they are about to be exposed. For their entire life, they have relied heavily on pretty privilege or sexual dominance to get their way. They did not develop a personality; they developed a physique, a persona that was fake. They did not build a character; they built a costume.
So when that costume begins to tear, when the physique and the body start to crumble, they feel like they are bringing a bankrupt wallet to the table. They look at their own body and see damaged goods. Because they project their own rot onto everyone else around them, they assume you see it too. They become convinced that you are only sleeping with them out of pity, and they feel shame. This shame is so corrosive that it turns them into sexual hermits or tyrants who refuse to be intimate simply because they cannot bear the thought of being seen as they are—an aging body. And guess what?
They do not acknowledge those insecurities. They don’t say, “Well, I’m not so sure about how I look anymore,” in hopes of coming to you for comfort. No, they blame it all on you. Something is happening because of you, which is why they can’t get aroused or feel attractive enough, and that’s why they don’t want to be intimate. It’s always a “you” problem—never their reality, their shifting reality that they want to hide from you, nor do they want to hide themselves from it.
Today, I am going to reveal the hidden shame every aging narcissist carries. To truly understand why they treat you the way they do in the bedroom as they age, you have to go back to the beginning. You need to understand how they see themselves. To a narcissist, the body is not just a part of who they are; it is their only tool. Especially if they are a somatic narcissist, it is the only thing that feels real to them. For years and decades, they have used their looks to get what they wanted. They have used their sexual energy to hook you, to control you, and to prove that they are better than everyone else. They felt like apex predators, individuals who were almost attracted to everyone; they just needed a partner. As gross as that sounds, they were the hunters, and everyone else was the prey. They walked into a room and felt a rush of power because they knew that people looking at them were going to fall for their façade. Their attention was their food; it was their oxygen. But nature is the one and only opponent a narcissist cannot manipulate. Nature does not care about their ego. Gravity does not care about their pride. Eventually, the billboard starts to fade. The paint peels, and the structure sags. When this happens, they do not just feel like a person getting older; they feel like a failure. When they look in the mirror now, they do not see a human being aging with dignity. They see a somatic collapse because they are somatic narcissists. They see a product that has passed its expiration date. They see a belly hanging over the belt, loose skin on their neck, and gray hairs that they can no longer dye to hide. To you, these signs are just marks of life. Yes, they are difficult for many of us, but you don’t run away from this reality. At a certain point, you just accept it as it is. To them, though, these are the signs of death. They view the changes as personal insults. They feel like a king or queen who has lost their crown and castle and is now being forced to walk through the streets in rags amongst those they saw as beneath them. Because they are narcissists, they assume that you view them the same way and feel the same disgust towards them that they feel for themselves. No matter how much you try to reassure them, saying, “Oh no, I accept you as you are,” they do not listen. They become angrier over time and take it all out on you. This creates deep, violent hidden shame. This is not just any shame; it’s not the type that most people experience, which makes them feel depressed, hopeless, and leads them to hide from the world. No, this shame dictates every single interaction they have with you behind closed doors. It drives them further into madness. They are not pulling away because they do not want you; they are pulling away because they are terrified of being seen as they are. They are fearful that if you get too close, you will see the cracks in their mask.
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