Now we need to talk about Phase Three—the comparison game. This lasts around three months and is the danger zone for them when regret begins to surface. Please listen closely: this is not emotional regret. This is not what you feel; this is functional regret, which is different.
They start comparing their new situation to what they had with you. However, they are not comparing hearts; they are comparing services and the level of care they receive. They may think, “My ex never asked me to do the dishes. My ex knew exactly how I liked my coffee and had it ready. My ex would have listened to me complain about my boss for three hours without interruption. My ex made me look good to my family; this new person embarrasses me.”
They start to miss your competence and realize they’ve fired a highly skilled and loyal employee, only to hire a temp who does not know the job. They feel frustrated, but they are not missing you as a person with dreams and feelings; they are missing the way you made them feel. You were their regulator. When they were angry, you calmed them down; when they were sad, you cheered them up; when they felt insecure, you gave them confidence. You were like a human air conditioner, keeping their house at the perfect temperature. Now that you are gone, the house is getting too hot or too cold, and they do not know how to fix the thermostat.
At this stage, they may start stalking your social media. They’re not doing it because they love you; they’re checking to see if you are suffering. If you look happy, it makes them angry—it demeans their ego. They think, “How dare he or she be happy without me?” If you look sad, it gives them a little boost of power in a twisted way. But mostly, they are just checking to see if the old appliance is still in the garage, just in case they need to plug it back in. They’re measuring their options.
Phase Four: Starvation and the Hoover
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