You need to understand that with a narcissist, indifference is the new kindness. You are not being mean by refusing to engage; you are starving the beast. The narcissist needs supply. They need an emotional reaction from you—your tears, your screams, or your desperate love. When you are the bigger person, the loyal person, you’re still giving them supply because you’re still engaged. You are still trying. You’re still dancing. When you become a boundaried person, you stop dancing. You turn off the music. You become boring. You become unshakable and distant because you have accepted who they are. They are a bottomless pit of need and validation, and you have decided to stop throwing your life into that pit.
The shift is terrifying at first. I understand that it feels mean. You will feel guilty. You will hear their voice in your head saying, “You’re so cold. You’re heartless. How could you do this? You have changed.” And you know what? You look them in the eye and say, “Yes, I have changed. I have changed because I’ve stopped being a doormat.” They will hate it. They will rage. They will tell everyone you are the narcissist. Let them. Let them tell the world whatever story they want. You cannot control their narrative, but you can control your participation in it.
The high road you have been walking on is a circle. It leads you right back to the beginning of the abuse cycle. It is time to get off that road entirely. It is time to build a wall—a wall where your empathy is reserved for people who can reciprocate it; a wall where your forgiveness is reserved for people who actually change their behavior; a wall where your kindness is not a weakness to be exploited but a gift to be earned. You are not doomed to be their favorite supply. You’re only doomed if you keep playing by their rules. The rule of the narcissist is “I hurt you, and you take it.” Break that rule. Stop trying to be a savior to someone who loves their demons. Stop trying to be a mother to a grown adult. Stop trying to be a therapist to a predator. Be a person who respects themselves enough to say no—who values their peace more than their image. Be a person who creates consequences, not excuses.
This is not about being bitter; it is about being awake. The bigger person is asleep at the wheel, driving off a cliff because they do not want to wake the passenger. Wake up, take the wheel, and drive in the opposite direction. If this sounds like your life—if you are exhausted, depleted, and sick from years of taking the high road while they drag you through the mud—stop guessing and start healing. You cannot do this alone because your brain has been wired to accept abuse as normal. You need to deprogram, and I can help you do that in my Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse community, which is a membership program that will open very soon.
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