Let’s move on to number three: They compared you to others constantly. Instead of celebrating your strengths, your parents constantly compared you to others, as if you were always falling short. Maybe they always pointed out how your sibling was smarter, your cousin was more polite, or the neighbor’s kid was more successful.
If you were raised by a narcissist, this likely wasn’t about helping you grow; it was about control. As Dr. Craig Malcoun, author of Rethinking Narcissism, explains, “Narcissistic parents often use comparisons to keep their children chasing approval because it keeps the power dynamic tilted in their favor.”
Over time, you may have started measuring your worth by how well you stacked up against someone else, which left you with this nagging feeling that you were never quite enough. That kind of conditioning runs deep. You might now find yourself stuck in a loop of self-doubt, always striving, always criticizing yourself, always scanning the room to see who’s doing better. Maybe compliments make you uncomfortable because you don’t believe them. Or maybe you constantly overachieve, not because you enjoy it, but because you’re terrified of being seen as less than.
In his book, Healing the Shame That Binds You, educator John Bradshaw writes, “Toxic shame is the feeling that we are flawed and unworthy, and comparison is one of its sharpest tools.” But here’s the truth: You were never meant to be anyone else. You were supposed to be loved as you, not for how you were compared to someone else. Your worth isn’t a competition, and you don’t need to earn your right to exist. You’re already enough exactly as you are.
You shouldn’t miss number four: being publicly shamed or humiliated. Maybe it was that time they joked about your weight in front of relatives or told your secrets to their friends like it was entertainment. Maybe they mocked your tears or imitated your voice to get a laugh. If you were raised by a narcissist, these weren’t isolated incidents; they were patterns. Instead of feeling safe, you were exposed. Instead of being defended, you were the punchline.
Psychologist Dr. Beverly Engel, in her book The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, explains that narcissistic parents often use shame as a way to control and diminish their children, saying, “Shaming is a form of emotional abuse that can make a child feel flawed at their core.” And once that shame takes root, it doesn’t just disappear when you grow up. Now, even in adulthood, that same fear can follow you. You may feel uneasy in social settings, worrying that others are judging you or about to laugh at your expense. You might avoid speaking up or sharing personal things because deep down, you expect ridicule instead of understanding.
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