I understand this dynamic intimately because I have lived it in my own family. I vividly recall scenes with my father—a man who would often be treated to elaborate meals by others, essentially bribes to get him to do their bidding. He would sit at these feasts, eating the best food, filling himself until he was bursting. Then he would bring home the scraps. He would walk through the door with soggy leftovers—food that had been picked over—and present it to us as if he were a savior, making us feel indebted to him for this garbage. He expected us to celebrate him, to say, “Wow, what a great dad. What a great father you are. You brought us food.” The reality was he would not eat it; it was no longer good enough for him. In his mind, he was the provider and could not fathom sacrificing his own portion to feed his children first—that’s what a real father does. But to a narcissist, the king eats first, and the subjects get the bones.
This dynamic was enforced by my mother, who is also a covert narcissist. I cannot deny that she lived in total fear of him. At the dinner table, she ensured he received the biggest, juiciest pieces of meat. We all understood the rules: if he did not get the best, he would get angry. He was the center of the universe, and we were just lucky to be allowed at the table.
The Broader Impact: Devaluation Through Food
This is exactly what is happening in your relationship right now. It’s not just about the food; it’s about the expectation of gratitude. Just like my father, the narcissist in your life expects you to say, “Thank you for the bare minimum.” They want you to feel indebted for the privilege of eating their leftovers. If you complain or say, “I don’t want this cold food,” they flip the script immediately. They call you ungrateful, stating, “I brought you dinner. Why are you so difficult?” They gaslight you into thinking that scraps are equivalent to a meal. This mindset bleeds into every aspect of how they treat you.
Consider when you go to a restaurant. They order the appetizers, steak, maybe cocktails—they feast. But when it comes to you, you feel pressured to order the side salad or just water to keep the bill down. Yet, when the bill arrives, they act as if they are doing you a favor or, worse, they force you to split the bill down the middle after consuming 80% of the value. It is a somatic devaluation, meaning they devalue you through your body by forcing you to eat worse than them or by guarding the food in the fridge like it’s a bank vault. They are training you—conditioning you to accept less, making you believe that your hunger matters less than their satisfaction. It serves as a daily reminder that, in their world, you are merely an object—a stray dog waiting by the back door for whatever they decide to toss out.
The sickest part is that they derive a rush of power from watching you accept this treatment. Notice their face every time you eat the leftovers without complaint or thank them for the scraps; you unconsciously validate their delusion that they are the king or queen and you are nothing. That’s how it works with them.
Recognizing and Overcoming Food Torture
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