Another favorite strategy narcissists use to escape accountability is called “leveling.” Leveling usually happens when they know they have been caught and there isn’t much chance they will get out of what they have done by using word salad or projection or other manipulation tactics. What they do is list all the things you have done wrong in your life to try to convince you that what you have done in the past is either worse than what they are guilty of doing at that moment or at least make you feel equally as guilty. This is a really effective strategy because it shifts the focus off them and onto you. It doesn’t matter if whatever they are referring to happened a hundred years ago or if it’s nowhere near as horrible as what they have done; they will try to make it sound so terrible that, many times, the victim will actually decide the narcissist is right. Of course, you aren’t perfect—no one is—and you have made mistakes. Your empathetic nature takes over, and you let the narcissist off the hook yet again. Do not allow them to use anything from your past as a reason to escape accountability.
Next, narcissists will minimize what they have done to try to convince you that you are making a much bigger deal about their actions than is reasonable or necessary. Essentially, they will tell you that you’re too sensitive and that you are making a mountain out of a molehill. They might say that nobody sensible or logical would think what you did is as bad as you’re trying to make it out to be. This will confuse an empathetic person because you genuinely care about being fair and not being unreasonable. No one knows this better than the narcissist, who will manipulate your core personality and character traits against you. They will use pity plays and guilt to make you think you are out of line for having a reaction and that what they did really isn’t a big deal, which is, of course, untrue. That’s a trick and manipulation tactic they know they are using to escape accountability.
Another very common manipulation strategy narcissists use to escape accountability for their lies and abuse is stonewalling. This is an abusive technique where they either refuse to speak to you about what they did or completely ignore the fact that you are standing right in front of them. They may leave or walk out of the room, shutting you out, or act as if you are completely invisible, refusing to acknowledge your presence at all. Essentially, it’s a refusal to engage with you in any way regarding what they did. Over time, this will wear the recipient down until they eventually just give up, which is exactly what the narcissist wants, as it allows them to completely escape accountability for their actions.
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