This is not just them hiding an affair or a secret addiction anymore—though that may be a part of it. It’s deeper than that. They’re fortifying their position. They believe that because you have figured them out, you’re planning to destroy them, which is what they are doing. They are gathering their resources and hiding their assets because they are preparing for war. They are treating the home you share not as a sanctuary but as a battlefield where they must protect their intel. You are no longer the spouse; you’re the spy in their camp.
And then comes the absolute worst form of projection: the moment they accuse you of being the monster. When a narcissist knows you have the blueprint to their disorder, they will try to snatch that blueprint out of your hands and claim it’s theirs. They will look you dead in the eye and call you the narcissist. They will use the very language you have learned—words like gaslighting, abuse, empathy, and everything like that—to weaponize them against you. This is a desperate attempt to scramble your signal. They are terrified that you are going to expose them, so they try to out you first. They want you to doubt your own sanity, to spend hours asking yourself, “Am I the narcissist? Am I the one doing this?” If they can get you trapped in that loop of self-doubt, they have bought themselves more time.
They know you have figured them out because they are suddenly desperate to convince you that you are the one who is broken. But perhaps the most visceral sign is the physical recoil; it’s almost biological. When you’re living in your truth, when you are grounded in your reality, you vibrate at a frequency that is repulsive to a liar. They cannot stand to be in the same room as you. It’s not just that they’re angry; it’s that your authenticity feels like a burning light to their shadows. You will notice them avoiding you physically. If you walk into the kitchen, they walk out. If you sit on the sofa, they recoil as if your skin is radioactive. They cannot maintain their delusion in the face of your clarity. Your presence reminds them of everything they’re not: real, honest, and alive. They have to get away from you to keep their false self intact. This physical repulsion is their way of protecting the lie from the truth.
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