When a narcissist feels truly seen, they feel skinless. They know that you are no longer interacting with the public saint they created. You’re observing the private devil they tried to hide. That look of clinical, detached observation on your face tells them everything they need to know: the spell is broken, and the god has become a fraud. Once this realization sinks in, you will witness a chaotic phenomenon that I call “spaghetti testing,” because they know the old tricks have stopped working. So, they panic. Their brain goes into a rapid-fire glitch mode, where they try to cycle through every single manipulation tactic they have in their arsenal to see if anything will stick. It’s like watching a desperate actor trying on ten different costumes in the span of an hour. At 9:00 a.m., they are in a rage, screaming and threatening to throw you out. By 9:15 a.m., they are crying on the floor, curled into a ball, telling you that their childhood was hard and they just need love from you. By 9:30 a.m., they are cold and arrogant, acting like they don’t care if you live or die. And by 9:45 a.m., they may try to seduce you.
This is a tactical stress test. They’re throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks. They’re desperately looking for that one button that still works—the one trigger that will make you react, defend yourself, or comfort them. When you stand there and watch this performance without flinching—when you look at their rage and their tears with the same level of boredom—they know it’s over. They realize that you are not participating in the play anymore; you are just watching a bad movie that you have seen a gazillion times. As the reality sets in that they cannot manipulate you, the mask drop happens.
This is one of the most chilling experiences for you as a survivor throughout the entirety of the relationship. Even during the abuse, they try to maintain some level of plausibility, right? They try to pretend they were the good guy, the good person, the good wife, or the victim. But when they know you know, the pretense evaporates. They stop trying to hide their contempt. Their face changes; the muscles relax into a permanent sneer. They look at you with open, unadulterated disgust. Why? Because they no longer need to exhaust themselves pretending to be human for an audience that has already left the theater. The private devil comes out to play full-time. They stop hiding their cruelty, stop engaging in the small pleasantries of daily life, and treat you like an object that has malfunctioned. This is them punishing you for the crime of seeing the truth.
The punishment often evolves into a state of extreme paranoia, or what I call “bunker mode,” because they view you as an enemy combatant. They assume you are operating with the same malice that they are. They project their own predatory nature onto you. Suddenly, you will notice a shift in how they handle their secrets. They start hiding their phone face down, changing passwords on accounts you have shared for years. They begin moving money, taking phone calls in the driveway, or speaking in hushed tones behind closed doors. They act as if they are under investigation by the FBI.
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