The first cue involves significantly reducing the energy you convey through body and facial expressions. If rapport building is at a 10 on the energy scale, I want you to bring it down to a 2. Eyebrows should move at a 2, foreheads should move at a 2, and expressions of approval and understanding should also be down to a 2. It may seem boring, but you don’t want to drop it all the way to the point of seeming robotic. Instead, think about holding your rapport-building energy close to yourself.
This demonstrates a visual conservation of resources. Narcissists dislike this because it signals that you will not continue to provide them with approval, appreciation, pity, or emotional energy to fill their bottomless pit of neediness. When you do this, several things happen immediately:
- You stop expending so much energy managing the interaction — you’re no longer pouring attention, approval, or emotional effort into the conversation. This alone makes you more alert to what’s truly happening.
- You stop providing the manipulator with what they want most: your time, attention, and energy. By relaxing to a level 2, you naturally cease to nod, grin excessively, over-sympathize, or dramatize whatever they’re trying to extract from you.
What this communicates to a manipulator is very simple: “Uh-oh, you’ve lost me. I’m not going to do what you want.” The moment you stop doing what they want, something will change. You will either see an escalation or a shift to a new tactic. They may talk faster, move closer, or try to pull you back in another way.
This strategy only works if you remain still and present, as the information you need does not come from what they say next, but from what they do once the approval and energy are absent. Think of any facial movement as granting the manipulator approval to manipulate you. Yes, this may feel awkward. You might feel antisocial for not mirroring their behavior. You might even feel rude, and that’s normal. Healthy people can handle it when you are not animated or performing emotional labor for them. They do not require it.
Thus, this becomes a litmus test: If someone needs you to remain expressive, engaged, nodding, smiling, reassuring, and emotionally available for the interaction to continue comfortably, then you are no longer dealing with rapport. Instead, you are facing a requirement to perform.
Cue #2
continue reading on the next page
Sharing is caring!