Another thing that narcissists may do to excuse their bad behavior and to keep you under control is triangulation. They might say something like, “I’ve never had this problem with any other boyfriend or girlfriend,” or “I don’t have this problem with your brother or sister,” or “I never had this problem with any of my other friends.” This understanding is a little tricky because you might say this to the narcissist; you recognize that this relationship is unlike anything else. But when it comes from someone who is emotionally abusive, it’s very likely a lie because we know these people are extremely predictable.
How they act in your relationship is very similar to how they acted in a previous relationship or how they act with someone else. Even if it’s not, they’re still triggering that person and still abusing that person in some way. Even when we’re talking about a narcissistic parent who has a golden child, it’s not necessarily a healthy relationship. So there’s always some level of abuse. They may say, “Well, I don’t have this problem with this other person. I’ve never had this problem with my most recent ex—it’s only you.” Make no mistake about it: this is triangulation. They are trying to establish a hierarchy, and you’re not at the top. Whoever it is they’re comparing you to is at the top, and you’re at the bottom.
Another thing you may hear from a narcissist trying to excuse his or her bad behavior is, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing. You always do this. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.” While that can be a valid statement for people sometimes—sometimes people do overreact, and sometimes people do make mountains out of molehills—with an emotionally abusive person like a narcissist, it’s usually something very important that you’re talking about. Like, maybe the narcissist is cheating, or maybe they’re lying to you about finances—something that’s really important. You’re bringing it up because it’s an issue and it’s something that in any relationship would need to be addressed.
They make it seem like you’re overreacting. This isn’t the big deal that you’re making it seem to be. They might also say, “You like to cause arguments or pick fights.” And if it’s not this issue, it would be something else. If you’re not a narcissist, that can affect you because you recognize that you have a lot of issues with this person. But the reason you have a lot of issues with this person is that there are a lot of issues to address in your relationship with someone who can’t self-reflect.
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