Number five: they force you to carry the weight of the family’s unspoken secrets. In a narcissistic family, the unchosen child is the designated secret keeper. You are the one who has to witness the abuse, the drinking, the lies, and the infidelity. But you’re also the one who is forbidden from speaking about it. They dump their trauma on you as if it’s your responsibility to hold it. They make you the therapist for their problems, but the villain for your own by forcing you to carry the family’s burden. They keep you weighed down. It is hard to run toward your future when you are carrying a backpack full of someone else’s shame. They want you to feel tainted by their secrets so you never feel clean enough to step into the light.
Doubling Down: Cruelty When You Heal
Number six: they double down on their cruelty. The moment you start to heal is crucial. Have you ever noticed that the moment you start doing well—maybe you got a promotion, a new relationship, or you just seem at peace—the narcissist attacks? This is a calculated extinction burst. As the gatekeeper of the cycle of trauma, they cannot allow you to find peace. Your healing is an insult to their dysfunction. If you get better, it proves that they’re the problem, not you. So when they see you, they will try to pull you back down with a fresh round of gaslighting, a new smear campaign, or a sudden crisis that demands your energy. They want to remind you that you belong in the mud with them. They will try to break your legs just as you start to run, all to ensure the cycle of suffering remains unbroken.
Gaslighting Your Intuition
Number seven: they gaslight your intuition until you stop trusting your own spirit. The final kill shot in their warfare is the destruction of your intuition. As a cycle breaker, your gut feeling is your most powerful weapon. It tells you that something is deeply wrong, even when everyone else is smiling and pretending that everything is fine. The narcissist spends years telling you that your perceptions are wrong, that you are imagining things, or that you remember them incorrectly. They want to sever the connection between you and your own spirit. If they can make you stop trusting yourself, you become a puppet. They want you to look to them for the truth, even though they are the source of the lies. By destroying your intuition, they take away your compass, leaving you lost in the maze forever.
A Message to the Unchosen Child
I want to speak directly to the unchosen child. The cruelty you experienced was not because you were unlovable; it was because you were unstoppable. The narcissistic parent did not hate you; they feared you. They feared that the truth you carry will come out. They feared the light in your soul, and they feared the day you would realize that you do not need their permission to be whole. The evil spirit of generational trauma tried to swallow you whole, but you are still here. You are the one the ancestors were waiting for. You’re the one who is going to look back in 20 years and realize that the very fire they used to try to burn you was the fire you used to forge your new life. The cycle of abuse ends with you because you are strong enough to carry the truth. They did not choose you, but you were chosen for a reason. Now go live the life they said you could not live, and let the healing begin. I’ll talk to you in the next one. Until then, take good care of yourself.
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