Stage number two: they slowly make you do more while acting helpless and paralyzed. The next move looks innocent: small asks, tiny favors. “I left my keys, can you call the bank for me?” “I am bad with forms.” “You are better at planning, can you handle the dinner?” “I’m so stressed, can you pick up my dry cleaning?” You say yes because you are kind, and because you were just treated like a princess. The trade feels fair—a small help for a lot of love. Not a problem.
Then it grows. You start running the house, the calendar, the social life, and their life. You become the default problem solver, while they become the problem itself. They praise you for being strong, but they never match your effort. They show mild incompetence at key things. This is not a mistake; it’s a strategy. If they pretend they cannot, you will do it. If you do it once, then it becomes yours.
Notice the pattern in practical areas. Bills drift to you. Groceries drift to you. School forms and doctor visits drift to you if there are children. Apologies drift to you even when they are the one who exploded. They sell you the idea that you are the only one who can keep things steady. That is how you become the engine while they relax in the passenger seat: scrolling, blaming traffic, and calling you controlling when you point out the truth.
Stage 3: Emotional Drain and Parental Role
Stage number three: they drain you emotionally and turn you into their parent. This is when the tone changes. They get moodier. They sulk, snap, and withdraw. They start fights out of thin air and then expect you to fix their feelings. You stop being the partner and become the parent instead. You soothe their ego after they insult you. You talk them down after they blow up. You build their confidence before a meeting, and you hold them like a child when they fail. You praise basic effort and tiptoe around tantrums to keep the peace.
If you are a woman, they may push you into the mother role fast. They test how much you will tolerate. If you have children, they compete with them for your attention. If you do not have children, they still place you in that role. Your needs get lost. Their hunger comes first. They want your body, your time, your voice, and constant reassurance on top of that. Then they say you are too emotional when you ask for the same care back.
In this stage, your nervous system is always on. You scan for signs. You try to head off storms. You give long speeches to make them understand. You forgive because you see the wounded child inside them. You hope your love will heal them. They let you believe that because it keeps you working all the time. It keeps you mothering a grown adult who refuses to grow up. That is how you burn out. You lose the part of you that expects mutual effort.
Stage 4: Exploitation for Survival
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