The author of that book describes quality time as one of the many forms of a person’s love language. If you choose to spend some quality time with your partner, maybe they’ll feel satisfied with you because that is their love language. But what does a narcissist do to you? They make you beg for seconds, abandon you, neglect you, give you the silent treatment, stonewall you, and you have to keep chasing them all the time. It tortures you, especially if spending quality time is your love language. When you try to approach them and make things happen, they call you clingy, too sensitive, too demanding. They don’t make any efforts; you make efforts. You visit them, and the moment you enter their house or apartment, within minutes, they leave. They don’t talk; they don’t want to talk for more than a few minutes on a phone call, whereas the same person used to talk to you for hours in the beginning.
Hate language number three: acts of disservice.
The author in that book describes acts of service as a great way to express your love. When they’re not doing well, when they need assistance, when they’ve had a hard day, you offer them comfort. You cook for them, you do small things to show that they matter, that they are the most important thing in your life, and you will do anything to ensure they are comfortable. But what does a narcissist do? They make sure to cause you discomfort, and that is what makes them evil. They gaslight you, manipulate you, make you think you’re the crazy one. They instill chronic doubt, making you think you’re causing all the problems in the relationship. All of those combined together would be labeled as a huge, collective act of disservice. Why? Because they are turning your own intuition against you, making you think that you’re doing things and saying things that are causing the problem when that is not the truth. When a person disintegrates your personality, villainizes you, runs a smear campaign against you, says things that never happened to you and about you, that is a big disservice. Why? Because that breaks your trust in yourself, changes your self-perception, and you start blaming yourself, putting yourself down, becoming your own enemy. That is the biggest form of disservice.
The other aspect of it would be taking. They take, take, take all the time. It’s about them. Even when they want you to stay in the relationship, even when they cry and beg and say, “Please don’t leave me,” it’s still about them. They don’t want it for themselves; they don’t want you to give them one more chance because they’re truly willing to change. No, it’s all about their ego, about getting supply. And you know that that is an act of disservice.
Hate language number four: lack of physical intimacy.
When Narcissist Says “Give me an example of when I did that”
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