To begin with, during the holidays, more than ever, it’s important not to slip into what I call “codependent amnesia,” particularly when it comes to the narcissistic people in your life. Instead, remember that people with a destructive narcissistic personality pattern actually derive satisfaction from taking shots at you. They get a sick kick out of manufacturing chaos and drama, and they’re thrilled when they can succeed in pushing your buttons. This is never more true than during a highly charged occasion like the festivities of the holiday season.
Remember, narcissists need to be the center of attention, and as far as they’re concerned, any attention is better than no attention. Even negative attention will do for a narcissist; in fact, sometimes that’s exactly what they’re looking for. They have a sick and bizarre need to feel superior; they need to feel dominant and in control, and they especially need to have a target onto which they can project their disowned shadow. Whatever it is that they cannot own, acknowledge, or accept about themselves will have to be projected onto the nearest highly empathic target—often the family scapegoat.
Now, more than anything, they’ll seek retribution for any perceived slight, criticism, or rejection they may have felt from you. So if you’ve been smart enough to keep your distance for a while and now you’re contemplating going back in because it’s the holidays and maybe you feel obligated, know that given the opportunity, they will do and say whatever it takes to try to make you look and/or feel bad for doing or saying whatever you needed to in an attempt to take good care of yourself, especially if that included actually standing up for yourself in any way.
The truth is, if for whatever reason a narcissistic person sees you as a threat, and therefore you are now a target, there really isn’t much you’re going to be able to do to change that. If they can’t get away with targeting you directly or aggressively, they’ll do it passively, but just as destructively. Any pushback from you can and will be used against you. I’m not saying don’t push back; there are times when that’s absolutely appropriate. Setting healthy limits and boundaries with toxic people may be difficult and uncomfortable, but it’s also absolutely necessary. Remember, you teach people how to treat you, and the narcissist will only try to get away with whatever they think they can.
Now that said, be smart and choose your battles and your timing wisely. Christmas dinner may not be the best time to assert your boundaries for the first time. Know the game; know who and what you’re dealing with. If you’re choosing to play by showing up, then proceed cautiously and accordingly. If you can avoid a confrontation, especially over the holidays, then do your best to do so. You’ll be much better off.
But the bottom line is, it’s a matter of doing whatever you need to do to fortify yourself if you’re choosing to expose yourself to narcissistic people during the holiday season. What this looks like is that you’ve been doing your own personal healing and recovery work. You’ve been taking really good care of yourself—you’re well-rested, well-nourished, calm, cool, collected, peaceful, and boundaried. You’re not walking in there as a ball of sleep-deprived, anxiety-riddled stress with a gaping emotional wound exposed for all to see and for the narcissist to poke at.
Don’t go in feeling overly emotional, sensitive, stressed out, fearful, hungover, sick, tired, or weak in any way. If you’re feeling any of those things, do not go there. If you do, the narcissist will see you as easy prey, and that’s the last thing you need. It would be better for you to stay home alone, take care of yourself, and nurture yourself rather than set yourself up for re-traumatization. It’s okay; you’re human, and you’re allowed to have limitations, especially where narcissistic people are concerned. So do whatever it is that you need to do to take good care of yourself.
Now, of course, you could simply choose to not go at all, regardless of your emotional state, and the problem would be entirely solved. You can stop the video now and go do something nice for yourself. But for those of you who, for whatever reason, feel you can’t completely disengage at this time of year and you’re feeling strong enough to go in
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