Let’s talk about the golden child-narcissistic parent dynamic first. The golden child is a narcissistic parent’s trophy. This is the child they have chosen to reflect their goodness. The child is placed on a pedestal, but not for their own sake. The golden child must be perfect, obedient, and make the narcissist look good at all costs. If they excel in school, it’s because the narcissistic parent is amazing; their guidance is brilliant. If they are well-behaved, it’s because the narcissist raised them right. The golden child is constantly paraded in front of others, used to extract compliments, and shown off like a possession.
But even the golden child is not safe. The pressure is unbearable. They must perform. They must be perfect. They must keep up the facade. The moment they express independent thought, struggle with their emotions, or fail to meet the unrealistic expectations set upon them, they are discarded like everyone else. The love was never unconditional; that’s what they discover. It was a transaction. They were loved only as long as they upheld the narcissist’s image.
Now, let’s talk about the scapegoat. This is the child who gets the worst of it, as you already know. This child exists not to elevate the narcissist, but to absorb all of their darkness. The scapegoat is the emotional punching bag, the target for all the narcissist’s rage, frustration, and cruelty. But even the scapegoat has a role to play in the narcissist’s public image. Would you believe that?
In private, the narcissist belittles them. They call them names, mock their feelings, and remind them daily that they are a disappointment—their biggest failure. But when someone else is watching, the narcissist suddenly transforms. They put their arm around the scapegoat and say, “This is my little troublemaker,” with a forced chuckle, pretending it’s all in good fun. They may suddenly offer words of encouragement, pat them on the back, or pretend to be concerned about their well-being, like my father did. He was even worse, I would say. He would publicly humiliate and belittle me to feel better about himself. The message in all his public mistreatment was that I could never be man enough or that I was a big disappointment to him. Sometimes he half-heartedly appreciated me; I can say that, but I knew it was all an act.
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