This brings us to the fourth major shift in their internal world: the paradox of dependency. It is often said that narcissists are full of themselves and think they’re gods. But deep down, the narcissist knows the truth: they are an empty shell. They cannot generate their own self-esteem or self-worth. They cannot soothe their own emotions, can they? They need you. They need your validation, your attention, your tears, and your emotional reactions to feel alive.
They are dependent on you in the same way a small child is dependent on a parent for survival. But here is the catch: they resent this dependency. They hate needing you. Imagine how humiliating it would be for someone who thinks they are superior to realize they cannot function without their partner. It endures their ego, making them feel weak and vulnerable.
So, a very twisted psychological mechanism takes place: dependency breeds contempt. The more they need you, the more they hate you for it. They have to bite the hand that feeds them. They have to devalue you to prove to themselves that they do not need you. Every time they insult you, discard you, or treat you like you are nothing, they are trying to convince themselves. They are saying, “See, I do not need him or her. She’s nothing to me. I’m powerful and independent. I don’t need him at all.” They are punishing you for the power you have over them.
It is a cycle where your support makes them feel small, so they have to make you feel smaller to balance the scales. They love the supply you give them—your care, money, and attention—but they hate the source. They hate that they have to come to you to get it.
The Mannequin Analogy: Objectification in Narcissistic Relationships
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