There is a hidden window of time, a transition period between the love bombing phase and the devaluation phase. I call this the assessment phase. This usually happens the very first time you show them unconditional love or forgiveness in the face of their bad behavior.
Let’s play out the scenario: they do something hurtful. Maybe they ignore your text for a day, make a rude comment about your appearance, or flirt with someone else in front of you. It’s a small crack in the mask. You’re hurt. But because you are an empathetic person and because you are already hooked on the love bombing, you do not leave. Instead, you forgive them. You pull them closer. You try to understand their trauma. You make excuses for them, saying, “Oh, they’re just scared or they didn’t mean it.” You offer them reassurance and safety. You think that by forgiving them, you’re bonding. You believe you are proving your loyalty. You think you’re saying, “I love you no matter what.”
But while you are feeling bonded, they are performing the assessment. They are looking at your forgiveness, and they do not see love; they see weakness. In their internal monologue, it sounds something like this: “I just treated this person like garbage. I disrespected them, and they’re still here. They’re still trying to hug me. They’re still apologizing to me.”
This is the moment their view of you shifts completely. They conclude that you must have no self-respect. In the narcissist’s world, if you do not respect yourself, they cannot respect you. It’s twisted because they don’t want to respect you and they do not want you to have any self-respect. But when they feel you do not have self-respect, they hate you for it. Crazy.
This is the switch you never noticed. Your tolerance of their bad behavior did not make them grateful; it gave them the green light to abuse you. It signaled to them that you are a safe object. You proved that you would not leave. Ironically, by proving you would not leave, you destroyed their respect for you. They realized they could extract supply from you without having to put in any effort. That is the moment the courtship ended, and the exploitation began.
Once that respect is gone, another dynamic kicks in that explains their confusing behavior.
Fear of Engulfment: The Narcissist’s Panic
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