Now, let’s continue to number four: they love playing the victim. Have you ever noticed how some people always seem to be the hero and the victim at the same time? Narcissists love playing the victim because it gives them control over the story. Shannon Thomas, author of Healing from Hidden Abuse, explains that narcissists preemptively paint themselves as martyrs so that when their victims finally speak out, no one believes them. By acting saintly in public, they create an image so spotless that if someone dares to call them out, they can simply cry, “Look how much I do! Why are you attacking me?” Suddenly, their real victim is labeled as the aggressor, and the narcissist walks away with even more sympathy and admiration. This is how they turn people against you before you even realize what’s happening. When you finally speak up, their flying monkeys—friends, family, or co-workers who’ve bought into their act—rush to their defense, and just like that, you become the difficult one. Psychologist Dr. Carol McBride, in Will I Ever Be Good Enough, calls this the narcissistic spin cycle. They manipulate the narrative so effectively that even you start doubting your reality. That’s the real trick: by making themselves look like the saint and the victim, they get away with being the devil behind closed doors.
You shouldn’t miss number five: they reserve their energy for their public image. Keeping up a fake persona takes energy—energy that narcissists only spend where it benefits them. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of Don’t You Know Who I Am?, explains that narcissists see relationships as transactions. They perform kindness in public for admiration but drop the act when there’s nothing to gain. That’s why they’ll be all smiles, charm, and generosity when there’s an audience, but the second they get home, the mask comes off. This is why their kindness feels so inconsistent. Psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner describes this shift as narcissistic fatigue. They invest all their effort into maintaining their reputation, leaving nothing but exhaustion and irritation for their loved ones. The irony is that the very people who love them the most get the worst version of them, while outsiders get the carefully crafted illusion. And if you dare call them out, they’ll act like you’re the problem because, in their world, their energy is too precious to waste on those who’ve already committed to staying in their life.
Are you still up for number six? They fear consequences from society, not morality. Do they have a good heart or just a good reputation? That’s the real question when dealing with a narcissist. Harriet Braiker, author of Who’s Pulling Your Strings?, explains that narcissists operate on self-interest, not ethical principles. They only behave when there’s something to lose. That’s why they play the role of charming friend, devoted partner, or respectable coworker. They know that mistreating people in public could ruin their reputation, career, or social standing. But once they’re behind closed doors, where there are no witnesses and no immediate consequences, their true nature takes over. This is why their kindness feels so calculated. If morality guided them, they’d be decent all the time, not just when someone is watching. But narcissists see kindness as a tool, not a trait. In moral disengagement, psychologist Dr. Albert Bandura describes this as selective morality—the ability to justify cruel behavior when it’s convenient. And that’s precisely what they do: they perform goodness when it benefits them and unleash their worst when they think they can get away with it.
The scariest part is that if society ever stopped holding them accountable, they wouldn’t just drop the act; they’d stop pretending they cared at all.
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