They see assertiveness as aggression. If you’ve been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, you were made to believe that assertiveness is a personal attack. Anytime you tried to speak up or set a limit, narcissists flipped it into drama, accusing you of being rude or mean. That kind of manipulation wires your brain to equate honesty with hostility. According to Professor Nina W. Brown, author of Children of the Self-Absorbed, narcissists distort feedback and boundaries as threats to their fragile egos. So now, even when you’re just calmly saying, “No, that doesn’t work for me,” it feels like you’re launching missiles. But here’s the truth: assertiveness isn’t aggression; it’s self-respect in action. You’re not being mean; you’re just not being a doormat anymore.
If you’ve been nodding along, just know you’re not alone or weak. Narcissistic abuse can make you feel guilty for having boundaries, especially with friends. However, real friends respect your limits and don’t make you feel bad for setting them. Saying no isn’t selfish; it’s a sign that you’re starting to value your own peace. Remember, boundaries aren’t walls to shut people out; they’re doors that protect who you’re becoming.
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