They mistake enmeshment for intimacy. Where do you end and they begin? When you grow up around narcissistic enmeshment, the lines between you and them become so blurry that it feels normal to have your space, choices, and even your feelings constantly invaded. Over time, you start to believe that being overly involved, knowing everything, sharing everything, and being everything equals closeness. Therapist and enmeshment expert Terry Cole puts it like this: “Enmeshment masquerades as intimacy, but it’s actually a lack of boundaries disguised as love.” So now, even in healthy friendships, you might allow others to overstep because that tangled emotional mess once felt like connection. However, true intimacy isn’t about losing yourself; it’s about being seen as yourself—lines and all.
They were trained to prioritize others. Who takes care of you when you’re always taking care of everyone else? If you were entangled with narcissists, chances are you were trained to be an emotional firefighter. You were used to rushing in to put out everyone else’s emotional fires while quietly letting yourself burn. You learned early that your worth came from how well you soothed tempers, fixed moods, and kept the peace. Dr. Lindsay Gibson calls this role reversal, where the child becomes the emotional parent, and the habit sticks. So even in good friendships now, you might still feel like it’s your job to protect people’s feelings at the cost of your own.
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